Postnatal Love

Hi gang! 

Here in England we have so many words for rain (mizzle being my favourite), and we have had to use the whole thesaurus for it over the past two months. But I have always thought that we need more ways of expressing our feelings for this lumpy, bumpy thing we call ‘Love’. It is messy, scary, beautiful, happy, achingly funny, soul shudderingly sad, and so often overlooked in the first year of motherhood. In today’s blog I want to take time to hold it carefully and help us find ways to connect more deeply with postnatal love. 

As a post-natal doula I am constantly amazed at how erratic love can be during the days after Mum and Dad have welcomed Bubs into the world. Holding space for new Mums in this time means allowing for the shape of love to morph in different directions within small sections of time. One minute it can look like the cozy, picture perfect love when Bubs is asleep, skin-to-skin after a bottle, and then five minutes later it can look like the practical, managed love of changing an exploded nappy. I am here for all of it, even the smelly bits!!

The Slow Burn

The slow burn love is the one that can bring confusion to onlookers. The slow burn love is the one that comes on over time before you realise it has totally enveloped you in its depths of longing and nurturing. I often see this form of love in parents that have been through a traumatic birth, the ones that we hate talking about: Emergency C-Sections, NICU stays, babies that need a lot of extra intervention, and when the hormonal and chemical changes in Mumma’s brain bring crashing depression. 

None of us want to spend the first weeks of their new lives fighting when the honeymoon love that we have longed to experience feels like a fever dream from the second trimester. But sometimes it is just really tough to feel love when we are not given the words to describe the messy portion of this vast emotion.

The slow burn love is no less a love than the wizz bang wallop of the movie-style love. In many cases its depths allow us to fight the good fight for the little ones who need it the most when they need it the most. When all the lights are flashing and life is on pause, that deep, slow burn love gives us the space and time to work out what is needed right then and there for the best. Love is not hiding in those moments, it is just working differently to our preconceived ideas. 

Fierce Love

The ever practical, fierce, red hot ‘Mumma Lioness Love’ often tag teams with ‘The Slow Burn’ (and , we can never separate any form of love as they roll around together in one great playpen). Just like a lioness protects her cubs, the fierce love that burns within us as we hold our little ones will come out to protect them at any cost. 

I will never forget the first night in hospital with my daughter. The midwives offered to take her to the years station so I could get some sleep but try as I might, I couldn’t rest with her away from me and was terrified someone might take her. The fierce protective and irrational love that took over my feelings, was overwhelming. 

This love is a driving force for many new parents. It is also one that benefits from having a close advocate nearby who can help you communicate your needs and wants to make Bubs safe and well when this love surges and overwhelms you. Having clear communication with your partner before the birth can help your love activate all the right systems that are in place to help you through the rough times. 

Often, I have been in the privileged space to help Mummas and Dads make sure that the fierce love they have for their baby means that they get the right support. This looks different for each family I work with, but often it is the simple things (stocking the freezer with nutritious meals, making sure older kids have some time, or simply dropping off healthy snacks to take to the hospital), that really make the difference for them as they fight Bubs’ corner. 

Partner Love

It is all too easy to forget the one love that needs nurturing and protecting at all cost; the love you have for your partner. Parenthood will affect both of you in so many different ways; sleep deprivation makes people really scratchy, constant crying means that the laundry isn’t done… life is just really tough in the first stages, and so many people have told me that they feel more of a team than a couple, which can feel great, but also sad. 

After the initial 12 weeks have gone and there is a breath of ‘new normal’, it is so important to make sure the small things are put back in place; hugs that last for more than 30 seconds (you need more than four a day!) meals that are enjoyed together, listening to each other and making sure that you each feel heard, are vital. When partners go back to work, we need to really engage with how they are navigating that experience and it can be tough to find the brain space to check in with it, but it is worth every atom of energy to do it. 

Communication is key when a new babe comes into the house to lower the resentment and misunderstandings that inevitably creep in. Partner love takes dedication to creating a new reality, and it can be the trickiest. Never be afraid of reaching out to a friend (or your doula) for help and reassurance, as this is the time when you will need it the most.

Community Love

No, I am not about to advocate moving to a commune, but I am going to raise the banner for the love of being in a village, even a small one!! There are so many people who can help you during this precious time of transition, and learning to open the doors to accept the love of others can be the biggest renewal of love in our lives. 

From the care of mid-wives and doulas, family and friends, people you meet at new-mums groups, as well as the woman who helped you with your shopping bags at the grocery store when everything was falling apart… the love we receive from those around us helps to build our communities and rebuild our lives. 

Filling up with the love we are gifted from the people around us and allowing it to flow through us can be hard. Healthy boundaries are those that allow for that flow, and lowering our defenses can sometimes be the better option so that we don’t end up living in barricaded isolation. 

Community love is also achingly practical! The neighbour who is there to help walk your dog when you haven’t slept a wink, the sister-in-law who lives in another country but is always there for a chat on the phone, or the friend who pops over just to fold the laundry; these are all wonderful forms of practical, no nonsense love and never forget Doula love too, in whatever capacity it is needed! 

There are so many other forms of love that we could dive into together on this blog, and we shall come back to this beautiful theme again for sure! I love exploring these concepts with you as I know that they come up time and again when I sit with new Mums. 

Just remember that whatever you are feeling right now is ok as there aren’t any rules to how you should be feeling. I know that you are doing a great job right now, and that you love your baby more than you could ever have words to express! Just because life doesn’t look like it does with a thousand filters it doesn’t mean you are doing it ‘wrong’. 

And also….

Once your doula, always your doula! 

Love, Sam xx